Leaving
by TrixPandawan
Summary: After Sophia's death she decides to leave.


My muses are really mad at me and they don't want to help me with my writing. I've been trying to finish "Bring them together" but I just can't. I already have the end but nothing else has come to me, so I was sitting in front of my computer thinking and spending all my time on Twitter and Tumblr when this tiny and beautiful muse came to me. She was really shy and was kind of afraid to be with me but then she told me about this idea and I was more than happy to write this one-shot. I believe it' idea and it's a shame she came to me and she didn't go to someone else who has the talent to do an amazing fic, but well, I needed to write this and help this beautiful creature who was giving _me_ this gift.

Hope you enjoy this. Please, read and review =)

**Jaded79:** THANK YOU so much for all your help, this one-shot wouldn't be the same without your help.

**SOA loving mom**: Thanks for your support and kind words, they always help me A LOT

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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I was done with everyone here, with everything; _she_ had been _there_ the whole time. _She_ had been a _walker_ since day one and I had fooled myself thinking otherwise. **Sophia**, her name burnt my tongue and I couldn't believe I was still breathing while she was long gone. I thought about everything I did wrong then, she had been my sunrise, my little rainbow, and I did nothing for her, nothing but live with my head down, taking beat after beat, enduring her father watching her in a way no father should see his own kid. And now she was no longer with me. She was safe, I said to myself; at least I was hoping she was fine. _She is in heaven_, my brain said with such confidence I tried to believe it. _Heaven_, if such a thing exists she must be there. She deserved a peaceful and beautiful place. She must be all right, because I was not and I would never be okay ever again.

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I had held her with all my strength, with all I had left after her little girl stumbled out of that fucking barn. I did my best; at least I told myself that. I was fooling myself and I fucking knew it. **Sophia**, that little girl had been my saving grace, finding her had been the only way I could redeem myself and now she was gone; my chance was gone. I had looked for her for an entire week, I took an arrow and a bullet in the process but none of that mattered, not anymore, not to _her_, not even to me.

She was so empty when she left me in front of that barn, I had felt it. I knew just then she would do something stupid as soon as she was alone and I would be damned if I had to bury her too. _I can't lose you too_, her words echoed in my head and I felt so damn stupid. I had called her a _stupid bitch_. She deserved it, I thought that back then; but now I understand. **Hope**, I thought I was smarter than that. A Dixon never hopes, never fucking believes in hope 'cause it only hurts you more once you realize everything is so fucking wrong and you can do nothing but see with utter horror and hurt how life spits on your face and then laughs at you for being so fucking optimistic.

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I gathered all my things; there was no place for me anymore, not here not anywhere. I had lost everything now. I have no husband and no daughter. I was glad I was a widow, God forgive me; but not being a mother was terrifying. I was so scared but most of all I was tired, sick of me and my stupidity.

"I'm done with all this; I'm no longer Ed's wife, no longer Sophia's mother, what the hell am I? Who the hell am I?" I said out loud, I didn't care anymore if someone heard me; I was tired and sorrowful so everyone could go to hell with all their crap and their stupid ideas about grieving.

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I went to the RV as soon as I could; I knew she would be there. She has to be there, _no way in hell I'm gonna lose her too_, I said to convince myself. She will be just fine once she realizes her little girl would want her to live – now, I was fooling myself again and I wanted to punch myself right in the face. Fucking pussy that came out with lame excuses, Daryl Dixon was now fooling himself more than he did in his entire life.

After a while I ran to find her, my footsteps sounded so loud or I thought they did. My boots were so heavy; I can hardly put one foot in front of the other. I was losing the battle against my own fears, maybe it will be easier if I just let her do whatever she wants, but then again, that would not be heroic enough for me. I was her prince in shining armor; maybe I was a pitiful prince, but hell, I was better than nothing.

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I sat for a while, my hands were shaking. I had just found Sophia's stuff, her clothes, her hair pins, her school's books, one of them had a heart with the letters C and S inside. My little girl had fallen in love with none other than Carl Grimes and now she wouldn't have the chance to tell him, _to kiss him_, she wouldn't have the chance to do so many things. I felt more and more like a failure. I was a terrible wife according to Ed but I don't fucking care about that. But I had been a shitty mother and that, _that_ hurts like shit because now there was no way in hell I could do anything to fix it. _She_ was gone, my baby girl was dead and I was no longer a shitty mother, I was no longer a mother at all.

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I almost pray to God for her to be alive, I don't even remember how to pray so I said the first thing that came to my mind. Of course, something stupid came to my mind, but it was better than nothing. _I hope she's still alive once I reach the RV because if she isn't I'm gonna kick your ass once I die, I swear God, I'm gonna kick your ass_, but thank God when I got inside the RV she was still there… breathing.e

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I heard footsteps, they were heavy ones, I thought it was one of the guys, Rick or even Shane, but once I listened more carefully I realized it wasn't them. Those were Daryl's footsteps, they just sounded much louder than before, he must be tired, disappointed. I felt that when he had held me, he had tried so hard, no one but he went back to the woods every single day to look for _her_ and now all the hope was gone. We had been fools, we knew better… I waited patiently for him to come in, I was sure he would come in.

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I saw _her_ things on the floor and immediately I knew what had happened. What I didn't understand was why. I walked completely inside the RV and before anything I closed the door, I didn't want anyone here with her, with _us_.

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I had my eyes closed but I could see him, almost feel him. We were broken, we had been that way long before the walkers, long before Sophia, but now we both felt like nothing will be bring us together, we had done everything we could but it hadn't been enough, not to save _her_, not to save _us_.

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"What are you doing?" I heard my voice and it scared me, it sounded so broken and harsh, never before had I sounded that way, never before had I felt this lost and scared.

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"Nothing." I answered him without hesitation, I wanted to tell him what exactly I was doing, but it doesn't make sense anymore. Maybe he would try to convince me not to do it, maybe I would hurt him.

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"Ain't look like nothing." She wasn't looking at me; her eyes were fixed somewhere else outside the RV. I felt uncomfortable and more stupid than ever. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? I regretted my decision to come here, to find her, but I knew I was the only one she would let be inside with her. How do I know? Well we had lost _our_ girl, even when she wasn't really mine and we were really nothing.

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"I'm leaving." I said the moment I realized he had come here for _me_, to make sure I would do nothing stupid, like kill myself.

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Her words took my breath away, and not in a fucking good way; she was… _leaving_? She can't leave the group; she wouldn't survive five seconds without them, without _me_, and I of course didn't want to survive five seconds without _her_. When did I become so dependent on _her_? I didn't have a fucking idea but I know we both need each other in different ways. She wasn't able to protect me from walkers or illness but she was capable of protecting me from myself and my dark past, from my old and painful memories, and I will be damned if I'd let anything happen to her. I could feed her, protect her, even hold her when the time comes.

"Ya ain't going nowhere, woman." I said knowing I wasn't capable of stopping her if she really decided to leave. I was strong enough to hold her and I'm sure the group would keep an eye on her, but for how long would that work, for how long would she be with me.

"I'm not asking for your permission, Daryl." Her voice sounded defiant, I knew right then she wasn't kidding. This wasn't just something she came out with after her daughter's death; she would leave, no matter what, no matter who tried to stop her.

"I fucking know, woman, but no way in hell am I…"

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"I'm leaving and I don't care if you think you can stop me, because you can't Daryl." I interrupted him before he could say exactly what I knew he would say, my voice was harsh and insolent. I don't even recognize it as mine, but it is. This woman raising her voice was finally _me_.

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"You'll die as soon as you walk away from us." _From me_, I knew _that_ was exactly what she was expecting, she wanted to die so badly it was written all over her face, maybe it was written all over my face too.

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"Maybe you're right, but I'm no longer five years old, I don't want or need someone to take care of me, I'm a grown up, I can take care of myself." Who the hell was I trying to fool? But it was true in some part, I was done with _this_ too, everyone thought I was so helpless. They feel pity for me and I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want or need it and even if I die the second I'm gone, that's fine at least that would be _my_ decision and not someone else's choice.

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"You ain't leaving." As soon as the words leave my tongue I feel like a fool for the hundredth time this day. I couldn't say anything else, she was so sure of herself right now I didn't know how to act around her. She wasn't arrogant like Annie Oakley or a crazy bitch like Lori, she was a _real_ _strong_ woman. I had seen this light back at the quarry and just as it did back then it makes me feel uncomfortable and scared. Maybe she really could take care of herself and the only one in need here was _me._

"It doesn't matter how many times you say the same words, Daryl, that's not gonna stop me. I'm sorry." A sad expression reaches her face and I almost smile at that, she was still alive, we were still _alive_. I walk closer to her; I want to hold her once more, maybe before all this was over.

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I could feel his hesitation; I could feel it because it mirrored my own indecision. He had been with me since the first day, he had brought me a flower, a Cherokee rose, he had gone back to the woods with a heart full of hopes, full of old fears that were betraying him right now. He had been the strong man all this time, but like me he was done with that. _We_ were done being the strong hunter and the old and crazy mother. He sat beside me and I feel this was the closest I had been with someone in my whole life.

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"When are ya leaving?" I knew I couldn't do a thing to stop her and I didn't want to do it anymore. I wanted to touch her but that would be too much for us so I just sat there beside her, my elbow slightly touching hers.

"As soon as I can pull myself together, _her_ things took me by surprise, I was hoping to be gone before you came in." She smiled at me sincerely; this was a new beginning for her, maybe for me too. "We fooled ourselves, you know? I was remembering the rose you brought me…"

"The Cherokee rose." I knew what she meant; I had thought of that too, we had been fooling ourselves for so long it almost hurts to realize it's at the end.

"Yeah, that rose, you told me they bloomed for the grieving mothers that had lost their children, we should have known, Daryl, I was a grieving mother from the beginning." She started to cry, not with heartbreaking sobs, no, I just knew she was crying because I saw the tears, but those tears broke my heart more than the sobs could have. She was right, _I_ should have known there was no hope… that, that flower means nothing but pain and was actually a confirmation of the loss of Sophia forever.

"I'm sorry," I said even when I knew those words meant nothing to both of us, but what else could I say to her?

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"You don't have to be, you did your best; fate, destiny, they were against us, against Sophia, there was nothing you or anyone else could have done." Then I took his hand between mine. "Would you mind coming with me to say goodbye to my little girl?" I was hoping he would say yes, her things had made my resolve fade, I didn't know what an actual goodbye could do to me.

I didn't know if I should go with her, I wasn't ready for that; a confrontation with reality at this point would be a little too hard for me. I never before believed in funerals, my parents didn't have a grave or anything like that. According to Merle, my old man had burnt mom when she died after giving birth and when the old man died, Merle did the same or so he told me.

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"I don't want to go where the others would bury her body, I want to go and see the roses, the ones that bloomed for her." I knew he would hesitate about going with me, I didn't want to go either but I should say goodbye, I owe that to my little girl, one last tear.

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The roses, _her_ roses, to that place I could go. I didn't want to see her body, maybe I would see it eventually, but she wouldn't be there of that I was sure. Carol will be long gone or maybe she would just refuse to go, I'd understand why, I would do the same if that didn't make me seem like a pussy.

"Let's go then." I swear I saw something in her eyes the moment I spoke, she was grateful, I was sure of it, but I saw something else, perhaps it was _hope_, but that would be idiotic –we already know hope brings nothing but despair.

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We walked in silence; we see no one and both of us were grateful for that, when we reached the flowers we held our breaths. _This_ was the place where I told her I would find her daughter, here she had believed in me and in my stupid words, _here_ will remain the only memory we share of her as _our_ little girl. Her words broke the silence a little later.

"They are so beautiful I can hardly believe they mean something so terrible." She took one of the flowers between her hands, the same way she had done before and took one petal away. "I would love to take one of these with me, but they look better here; here my little girl could rest in peace, no matter where her body lies, this will always be _her_ place." She never looks back at me, I am grateful because if she had she would have been able to see the only tear I let fall.

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"These flowers bloomed for you, Sophia; here you will find the peace you never had while you were alive. _Here_ I cried my last tear for you, my baby girl." I felt the tear running down my face, it was my last tear. Sophia had been everything to me and now she was gone but I was not and I would fight to keep it that way. Carol Peletier dies today, but I was so much more than just that old wife and mother.

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I saw the solitary tear that ran down her left cheek and then I realized she was truly leaving, but she wasn't doing it to die but to _live_. I felt the urgency to hold her and this time I did it. I placed my arms around her waist and I held her tight, her body tensed at first but then she relaxed and pressed her back firmly into my chest. I buried my face in her neck and smelt the sweet perfume of her; she had always smelt like lavender.

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I wasn't sure what to do, but I was sure of something, feeling his arms around my waist was the most thrilling sensation I had ever had. I felt secure, at peace and extremely comfortable. I had always wanted to kiss the man that was now holding me, since the first time I saw him back at the quarry, and I wondered what was holding me back now?

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Suddenly I felt the touch of her lips on mine, she was trembling a little and I couldn't kiss her back due to one thought –maybe she doesn't really want this. I was sure I had wanted it for at least a whole week, perhaps more. Her lips were soft and strangely she tasted like strawberry. I was lost in the kiss even when I wasn't participating. She must have noticed that and I'm sure that made her pull away from me. I missed her touch the moment it was gone.

"I'm sorry, Daryl, I don't know… I'm sorry." She made an effort to run away but I didn't let her go, I just couldn't, I didn't want to let her go.

"Ya don't have to, I liked it." I tried to smile at her, but her face was so serious, the smile just seemed to be out of place.

"Yeah, sure you did, that's why you didn't kiss me back." Her answer took me by surprise. I was expecting some shyness from her, but that would be the old Carol, the mother, the wife, not the survivor.

"You've been through a lot, woman. Not sure _this_ is actually what _you_ want." The way her eyes saw me made me shiver, there was a fire so intense it almost scared the hell out of me. I knew I had said the wrong words.

"That _was_ what _I_ want_ed_, Daryl, actually I had wanted you for so long it almost hurts, but you don't have to worry, I'm not gonna make you do something you don't want to and I don't want your pity either, so let's go back to the farm. I have things to…" Before she could say anything else I claimed her lips as mine, the woman doesn't even know the need she had awakened with her kiss, with her words. I fucking wanted this too and if she was so sure about it, then what the hell.

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His lips were soft, something I found amazing and kind of incredible. Daryl Dixon, the tough guy everyone fears, had the softest lips on earth and he was making _me_ the happiest woman in the world. I had wanted this for so long. I had dreamt about it over and over again and even when a part of me knew how wrong it was, I couldn't care less. Yes, I was a grieving mother, but I was also a woman who was still alive, a woman that had needed and waited for this time to come her whole life.

"Daryl," I said his name in a husky voice and I felt him shiver. The kiss hadn't lasted long but we were already breathless. Maybe it was the need we both put into that _first_ kiss, perhaps it was just that it was us, _our_ own experience.

"Woman, that was fucking amazing, ya know?" I saw the Dixon grin –I knew so well– forming on his lips and I couldn't do anything but love the gesture. He looked so handsome when he was so sure of himself. He had given me the best kiss ever and he knew it.

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I looked into her eyes and what I saw let me wonder. I had wasted so many opportunities in life, but I didn't want to waste this one. Carol was all I'd ever wanted; she was a caring and lovely person. I was her exact opposite and that was exactly why I needed her the most.

Before it would be too late, I claimed her lips once more, this time I'll make sure to let her know how much I want this, how much I want and need her.

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I was feeling _butterflies_ in my stomach, something I had never felt before. I hadn't been in love with Ed and I hadn't been in love with anyone else, but Daryl Dixon was doing an excellent job showing me how a person should love someone, how it felt to be in love.

"So good, you feel so good, Carol." My name echoed in my head, he had never called me Carol before and it sounded so beautiful, I almost melted right there.

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I was feeling something I hadn't felt before, I didn't know how to name _it_ but certainly it was something powerful and amazing. My tongue was now exploring her mouth, at the beginning I had kissed her almost in a hurry but then I realized I had all the time, at least I was hoping I would.

The little noises she was making while I was kissing her make me shiver almost uncontrollably. I had left her mouth and now my tongue was playing at her neck, I was kissing, licking and biting her neck. I touched every single place and I was confident now with myself, she was enjoying this as much as I was.

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His hands were everywhere and I couldn't recall a time when I'd felt so confident with myself. I knew I was far from perfect but with him I just feel faultless. The problem begins when he tried to take off my shirt. We both have scars, I knew that very well but I wasn't proud of mine, I couldn't be proud, his scars meant _survivor_, mine scream _coward_, _fool_.

"Daryl, please, stop." I could hear the pain in my voice and I cussed myself, _you're such a coward, Carol, you want this, let's forget about your past, he is not going to judge you._

"What's wrong?" His voice sounded really concerned and that only made me feel worse, I had started this and now I was the one who was pushing him away.

"I am, Daryl, you don't want to do this with me, trust me, you deserve someone better than me, someone who doesn't have so many scars, I'm sorry." I tried to walk away from him but he stops me, he takes my hands and helps me to take off his shirt. His torso was something any woman would die to see, to touch, even when it was covered with scars, his stitches were yet still visible and I felt sorry for that new scar.

"I ain't perfect, woman, and many of this I got it for being an asshole, usually I got into fights once I was really high or when Merle was high and couldn't defend himself, I ain't proud of most of them, but ya told me you want me, right? Hope ya haven't changed your mind." I noticed his intense stare on me and I couldn't do a thing but blush. He had literally read my mind and I couldn't understand what on earth I did right to deserve someone like him.

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I had noticed her nervousness, her hesitation, I was afraid too so I did the only thing I could think of at the moment. She was ashamed of her scars and so was I, but they make us who we are now. We need to learn how to live with them. My stare was fixed on her, I needed to know if she was okay with me being the way I am; I needed to know she would let me be with her no matter what.

After a second that seems like an hour to me, I guided her right hand to my chest and placed it right on top of my heart; people usually say we feel with our hearts, so maybe she would be able to feel my need, my desperate need to be one with her.

Her fingers run hesitantly over my skin, my heartbeat was even louder and faster now; it was so loud I was sure she could hear it too. Her eyes were fixed on my chest, her fingers never stopped touching me, but I needed to see her face, her blue eyes.

"Look at me." My voice was harsher than I would like it but it did the trick, slowly her eyes left my chest and they focused on mine, her eyes were so blue they make me shudder, they were full of desire just as were mine, I was sure of it.

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I couldn't take my eyes away from his, they were a darker blue at the time, full of desire and want, even lust; no one had ever looked at me like that. I didn't think I was capable of awaking such things in a man, but certainly I had awakened them in none other than Daryl Dixon.

My palm was now resting comfortably on top of his chest and I could feel it rising slower as the time passed by. I knew then I needed to do something to reassure him I wanted _this_ to happen, I _wanted_ him so badly.

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As I had done earlier she took my hands and placed them on the first button of her blouse, then her eyes went once again to my face and with a small smile playing at her lips she nodded to me.

I wanted to take my time with her, but at the same time I wanted her so much I couldn't do anything slowly, all my being was screaming for her. My body literally was screaming to be touched, to touch, and while I felt rather rude and rough with her, her delicate and slender fingers just touched my skin slightly, her touch was feather like and the only thing that did to me was increase my need, my lust, never before had a woman had made me feel this way.

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His hands were touching me with such a roughness I almost didn't like it, but then I noticed he didn't want to be rough with me but his need and _my_ body were driving him crazy. When I realized that, I couldn't hold back the big smile that reached my lips and then I giggled.

"What's so funny, woman?" His voice was husky and it makes me shiver like a teenage girl; this was so perfect, so beautiful.

"You're a little too eager, Daryl. We have time, you know." He never looked at me, his head was now at my chest and I can hardly speak, but I did it all the same.

"I know… but you're so damn… delicious. I can't… do this slower… it's your entire fault… you're a temptress, lady." His words made me feel so good, so perfect that I couldn't say another word, at least I was hoping his words were the ones to blame and not his tongue and teeth that were now biting my right nipple. _God, this man is making me feel so good, I can hardly think straight._

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Her red blouse was already gone, my mouth had made its way to her neck, her chest and now was at her belly button, she tasted like heaven, nothing was more delicious than her skin, her sweet perfume, her arousal, her hands. Everything about this woman was so damn perfect I couldn't believe my luck, _fucking lucky bastard._

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I felt his fingers playing at my waist, his tongue was still at my navel and I couldn't wait any longer. I needed him so badly.

"Daryl, please." My voice was so needy it almost scares me, but he apparently didn't mind, I actually got his attention.

"Please, what? Tell me what you want?" God, this man was trying to kill me, of that I was sure.

"You." I cannot say another word, his mouth and hands were once again playing with my nipples. How could a woman speak when a man like Daryl Dixon is kissing and biting every single part of her body? It's impossible.

"Tell me, Carol. I know you can, tell me what you want." Before I could answer him a very loud moan emerges from my throat, his teeth were biting hard on my neck, he was marking me as _his_ and I couldn't think of anything more perfect.

"I want you, Daryl. Only you." And never before had I said words so true. Daryl Dixon was everything I had dreamt about and all I need or want.

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And her words were all I needed to hear to take the next step. I unbuttoned and unzipped her pants and then mine. I had been so focused on pleasuring her I had forgotten about my own desire and pleasure, my dick was hard and ready. I had never been this hard before, this woman will be the death of me; she was a damn temptress, a fucking beautiful and perfect witch who had bewitched me.

"You're so perfect, Carol, so fucking perfect." I laid her down and then took my time to admire her perfect figure, she had a few scars here and there but she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was soft where I was hard, gentle when I was rough. I never before believed in soul mates and shit like that, but I was sure Carol was my soul mate if things like that existed.

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I lay in front of him, almost naked, but I didn't feel insecure anymore. I wasn't perfect, I had been a fool, a coward, but those things had made me who I am _now_; nothing matters anymore but my actions and decisions from now on.

"I need you, Daryl. I want you so badly, please makes me _yours_." His hands were touching my thighs and his lips were playing with my breast. I couldn't take it anymore, I needed him inside me _now_.

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I stopped my kisses for a while and looked up right into her blue eyes. What I saw there made my dick even harder and my need and lust reached levels I had only imagined before. She needed _me_ and I… I fucking need her more than air itself, as foolish as that sounds.

I discarded her panties as soon as my eyes made contact with hers and then I did the same with my damn boxers, now we were both naked and ready; this was a new beginning, _our_ new beginning.

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We were tired after being together, our bodies were covered with a thin layer of sweat and our breathing was labored and came out irregularly. His hands were drawing circles on my back and mine were touching ever so slightly the skin of his chest. His heartbeat was the most calming sound I had ever heard and I knew right then I was in love with this man. But nonetheless, I had to go away. I can't be with the others anymore, not after what had happened at that stupid barn. If I stay here I would go crazy and I don't need or want that.

Regretting my stupidity already, I open my mouth and say the words I didn't want but need to say.

"Daryl, I'm still leaving, I don't want you to…" And before I could say another word his lips were on mine, this kiss was so different from the others, from the ones we shared a moment ago, I couldn't say why it was different, but it was.

"I fucking know, woman. I just hoped ya would understand you're not leaving alone. Hell, we just have mind blowing sex; I'll be a retard to let ya go away. Now, shut up and let me think, I believe we can leave as soon as ya have all your shit together, unless ya want a fucking party to say goodbye to the others."

Sex, I know _this_ wasn't just sex for either of us, but as far as I _fucking_ know, what the hell, he could say it was sex, a fuck, after all the important part was it was _mind blowing sex_. A smile reached my lips and then I kiss his chest.

"I don't want a party; I'll be ready as soon as we return to the farm." His hand took my chin and made me look at him, his eyes were bright and warm and the blue of them was still darker than usual but still lovely and beautiful.

"Woman, you're gonna drive me fucking crazy, stop this unless you want to spend the whole damn afternoon laying here with me on top of you." His cocky grin was adorning his handsome face and I can't resist the urge to kiss him once more and then say words I would never think of saying before.

"I would like that very much, but I'd prefer to be the one on top." His lips met mine again; it was a kiss full of passion and lust. We decided we can spend a little more time in here, before we go away, before we leave.

T/W/D/T/W/D/T/W/D

Hope you like this as much as I like it.

Please, read and review.

Trix


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